So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
