she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
