I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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