I faked an abortion last night.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
