I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
foreskin is a definite game changer
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
