I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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