This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
