my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
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