Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
