Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
