Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
