i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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