Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
