Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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