listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
