Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
