Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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