So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
