You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
