Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
