what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
