i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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