Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
He told me they were just razor bumps!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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