I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
