maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
