I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
