Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
