frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
