So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
