I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
