see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
