the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
