If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
