I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
