Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
