Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
