she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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