I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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