South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
