I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
