It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
