my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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