when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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