How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
