I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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