A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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