it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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