come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
