somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
