Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
