How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
