Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
